I haven't felt the need to update this. So I haven't. Some things are different. Some things are the same. If it makes any difference to you, then you'll know. Otherwise, I'll leave you with some 'poetry' I've written. Keep in mind this is without any editing... so feel free to criticize as you wish. I'm still wary of whether or not certain stanzas should exist in some of these... so yeah. Basically, it's just free-verse of whatever I was feeling. One from a few days ago, and two from today. I digress.

RANDOM SYMBOLS SCRATCHED ON PAPER
IN A SET ORDER

The sky is
Such a cloudy shade of grey
It's an ordinary day
Seems so typical
It steals all of life's color away.
I found out today
You stole my soul, you see.
And there's nothing left for me
To hold onto
Anymore.

I've lost my grip on life
This place is like a knife
With blades on both ends
So I'd rather not touch it
For fear of being hurt
But I reach for it blindly,
Holding on tightly to what I do grasp.

My blood drips in slow drops
And my life slowly drains away
Onto the ground before you.
It sinks into the soil
To soak into the roots of the plants.
I will forevermore be part of this hell
That I never wanted to live in anyway.

FALL INTO THE MUSIC

This music makes it feel like fall,
One of those slightly chilly days
After all the leaves are red and yellow and orange
And they all blanket the ground,
Drenched from a recent rain.
It feels like the middle of the park;
Like wearing dark khaki and black
And ankle-high black boots
That make hiking easier.
It feels like walking through the woods
And not paying attention to where you're going
But looking up at the leaves that are
Barely alive, but clinging to the trees for dear life,
Even though it doesn't matter anymore
Because they're already dead.
It feels like sitting on a wet wooden bench
That smells like dead wood that's slightly moldy,
But it smells good anyway.
It's like looking down from the platform that overlooks the ravine
That's full of dead leaves that look beautiful
Because there are so many of them.
Sometimes drops of water will fall,
Landing directly on the part of your hair,
And it sinks through to your scalp,
And it's cold,
But it feels good.
It gives you chills, in a good way,
And you can't help but shiver
As you realize how wonderful life is,
And how beautiful the world is,
And you thank God for putting you here in this place
That has so much overwhelming love sometimes -
Even when you're alone.
And even though you realize that someday he'll take you away
And bring you to where he is,
You find it hard to believe that anything could make you feel
Any more content than you do right now.

EULOGY OF A TREE

How dare it feel so beautiful one second
And the next, tear me in two as so?
Is this music love?
With the ability to comfort and complete,
But with the inevitable hidden tension
That can obliterate you?

I fall to the ground,
A tree withering at the slightest hint of cold.
My leaves are trampled on the ground,
Below countless peoples' feet.
I am crushed into pieces smaller than those that fell from me
When I came apart.
Chop down my support system and watch me fall;
The tremors will shake the ground
And you can all use my core as fuel to keep you warm.
Burn me to oblivion
And scatter the ashes.
Let them fall where they will;
It is no matter to most.
Just remember that tiny pieces of me still exist.
They lie embedded in the soil trapped in the treads of your shoes.

     "I wish I were a different person," Meg said shakily. "I hate myself."
     Calvin reached over and took off her glasses. Then he pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped her tears. This gesture of tenderness undid her completely, and she put her head down on her knees and sobbed. Calvin sat quietly beside her, every once in a while patting her head. "I'm sorry," she sobbed finally. "I'm terribly sorry..." (A Wrinkle in Time, by Madeleine L'Engle)

Things here have been rough. Extremely rough. It's lonely in Sparta now, with none of the people that I used to trust so much here to help. I guess I'll just have to adjust.

Did I ever tell you all about the time that I went crazy insane and became completely obsessed with my weight? I dropped about 20-25 pounds in a very short period of time in an extremely unhealthy way. That most definitely wasn't a fun time. But I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

My sister was driving me home from picking up some Chinese food the other day, and she asked me why I did it. I responded to her with the answer I'd memorized: it gave me control. She looked at me (at a stop sign, so we wouldn't die) and told me that I always have control. No one forces me to eat, and no one is making me not eat. I'm always in control of what I'm eating, whether I eat everything in sight or nothing at all.

I guess that somehow, not eating just made me feel so much better. I got compliments. People noticed that I'd lost weight and told me how good I looked. It made me want it more.

I don't remember what made me stop. I don't remember why I did. I don't remember why I started again. But there's much more of a loss of control than a gain. I read my old private entries on this and it's kind of scary. I'd called myself fat every few minutes because I'd eaten something. At 107 pounds. That's like... over 20 pounds less than I weigh now. But in a way, I'm jealous. I wish I weighed 107 pounds now. It's just not going to happen.

People used to be so worried about a girl that I know from our school because she dropped weight so fast - there were rumors about her having an eating disorder. They were scared for her, and said she looked ill because of how skinny she was... is it wrong that I was extremely jealous of her?

Today I was at the park, walking down by the lake. I glanced into the grass and just kind of stood there. Holding my gaze was a four-leaf clover. I always look for them and can rarely ever find any. It's strange because when I stopped looking, there it was. Right in front of me.

Please don't take this entry the wrong way. I've just been thinking a lot and don't think that what's been on my mind most of the time is fitting for this. So I digress.

Currently Listening Siren Song of the Counter Culture By Rise Against Swing Life Away see related

"..The soul you hold in your hands is more fragile than it's ever been, so please be gentle with it. It's all that I have left..." (Just Six Spaces, "The Same Beginning")

Things have been rough lately.

In the Lord's Prayer, it states that our Father art in Heaven. However, according to Psalms139:8, if you go up to the heavens, you will find Him there, but if you make your bed in the depths, He is also there. God is omnipresent.
Now, being Catholic, I assume that I will either fall to the pits of Hell when I die, or I will go to Purgatory, where I will repent for my sins and do penance until I reach Heaven.
Hold it.
If I am to be in Heaven, and God is in Heaven, and God is everywhere, does that mean that when I die, I will also be everywhere? Has everyone who has ever lived and gone to Heaven... existant everywhere?

I've been listening to a lot of Just Six Spaces. The band broke up a while ago, but I still really like all the lyrics to their songs. I also get inspired with their band name: It was named Just Six Spaces because that's all it takes for a pawn to become a queen in the game of Chess.

My oscar fish has been named Dante. For the intellectual, it's from Dante's Inferno, the book. For the... not so intellectual, it's from Clerks. Or Clerks II for that matter.

Here's something else to think about: Before church today, my priest was talking to some Sisters, and I walked in with my parents. He talks with the Sisters about having them recruit me (Who here thinks I'm nun-material? I'm actually curious... I've been considering it for a while now).
Fast forward. Church ends, and he's shaking hands of people walking out of the church. His comment to me? "Stay out of trouble, Laira." He pronounced my name wrong. Glorious.
But now, how should I take this? He either thinks I'm an awful child (hence the 'stay out of trouble') who needs to become a nun ASAP, or that I'm a good child who has a chance at being a nun that he doesn't want to go astray?

I've actually begun my summer reading books, and I'm a bit over halfway through Dracula. It's not too bad anymore, and I've been told that I'm past most of the boring parts anyway. So hopefully that won't go too badly.

I get to go on a trip to my old hometown on Friday. Spotsylvania, Virginia. I really miss it there... I've never really felt like I've fit in living up here, to be honest. Maybe I got too used to the 'southern hospitality' or whatever. But it seems like I'm still waiting to belong. I called a friend of mine down there, and it's so weird talking to her, because we haven't spoken for over 10 years. So now, I guess it's like I don't belong anywhere.

Thanks, VanDusen. Now I'm thinking about AP History and the Native Americans. They went through Americanization and had their culture stripped away from them... but they still didn't fit in with the Americans, because they were still different. However, they couldn't go back to their old tribes, because they were no longer accepted there.

How awful, to be caught in the middle like that. But I guess a lot of people actually are like that. Half-conformed to society and half-true to themselves.

I've found that it's extremely important to know when you're needed. Never assume that you're not needed, because there's always someone who will need you. And believe me, it can make the difference between night and day.

I love you guys...
...and thanks.

Currently Listening Daniel Powter By Daniel Powter It's embarassing enough admitting I own this CD. I'm not letting you guys in on which song I'm listening to. Because likely, I'm listening to the entire CD. Shut up. see related

"I love my dreams, and we are happy there," (My magnetic poetry refrigerator keychain that I found today)

Today was... interesting. I got shot down by a close friend of mine. We hang out in the summer, and last summer I kinda didn't want to have him put his arm around me or anything, so I blew it. And I called him today, and he decided that we can't talk anymore.

My remedy?

Set up a date to hang out with my cousin's buddy Jordan, who I met at Grand Valley; picked up Haws and drove to Meijer to pick up a fish-mate for Oskar Thomas (who is, by the way, alive and thriving); found out Oskar Thomas is an aggressive fish and there weren't any small ones that were aggressive as well, so I bought a Symphony bar, Chocolate Thunder ice cream, and a pack of Oreos.

Worked out quite nicely, I believe. Except my good friends are all in San Antonio, Texas right now, at Gathering. So I left a long, sappy message on my best friend's answering machine on his phone. He should be getting it about now.

So I'm probably going fish-shopping on Sunday with Jordan.

I'm changing people. For the better and the worse, but I'm making a difference in this life. And I'm glad. For the record, you guys have all changed me too. All of you. Even if you think you've gone completely unnoticed in my life, if I've even talked to you just once, you've probably had an impact on my life. Thanks, guys, for making me who I am today. I kinda like it.

I give blood tomorrow. Never done that before... should be interesting. Anyone else ever give blood?

So this entry was about my life. And I dislike that.

Am I the only one who only realizes that mosquito bites itch after you touch them? I mean, they're cool until you decided to rub your arm across it accidentally, and then you're like "HOLY CATS, WHEN DID THAT BITE OCCUR?!"

This is my attempt at turning this entry around and into a thought-provoking one. It's sad.

Had an arguement with my father again, today. About the news and the world and stuff like that. He won, because he refused to listen to my side of the argument. Why can't he just listen and hear what I have to say? Wouldn't that make it a little easier to see my side? But no. He doesn't care what my side is. Because his side is the only one that matters.

My friend that shot me down and doesn't want to talk to me again isn't friends with any of his ex-girlfriends. I think that's a bit bitter. I've stayed friends with all of the guys I've dated, with the exception of Ryan, because he requested to not hear from or see me again. I've kept that, 'cause it'll make him happy. My friend, on the other hand, isn't. So is it my fault that we're not talking anymore? 'Cause for some reason, he tried to pin it all on me.

When I get my fish, I shall name it Fitch. Or something else cool.

By the way, the song that I was thinking of on a car trip to a picnic was titled "Barely Breathing," by Duncan Sheik. I'm writing this here so I won't forget it. Otherwise, I will.

Amber, I hope we can hang out. We're just really bad at playing telephone tag. Apparently, I'm still It.

Paul, I'm sorry that you and Jenny broke up, but some things have to happen. I'm glad you're happy though. That's what's important.

Kyle... just. You're Kyle. And I'd probably cancel stuff to hang out with you, 'cause you're cool.

Seth, I FRICKIN' MISS YOU. Come back to Michigan.

For some reason, I had a shout-out section this time. Uhm. I will attempt to refrain from that in the future. But if you read this, and I didn't shout out to you, it probably means that I'll get back to you on comments about whatever it is that I've gotta say to you. Because the main reason I shouted out today was because I felt really lazy and didn't want to go comment on these peoples' Xangas. So if I didn't shout out to you, feel special. 'Cause I went through the trouble to go to your Xanga to comment to you.

Until next time, it's all sunshine and rainbows.